Escaping the Villain: The Persecutor Role in Disguise

A CTO I coached recently was genuinely confused. “Why is everyone walking on eggshells around me? I’m just being direct.” Curious, I asked what he said in his last team meeting. Here were a few of his greatest hits:

• “Why is this still broken?”

• “I shouldn’t have to say this again.”

• “This team needs to step it up.”

 To him it sounded efficient.  To his team, it sounded like an HR violation with a dial up wi-fi connection. “You think you’re being clear, but what they hear is criticism.” Sometimes the Persecutor in the Drama Triangle doesn’t shout or slam doors. Sometimes he wears a blazer, carries a spreadsheet, and believes he’s just raising the bar.

But let’s be honest: under stress, clarity can easily mutate into control. And “just being direct” sounds a lot like “I’m the only adult in the room.” 

 Ego in a Patagonia Vest

This isn’t just a mindset shift - it’s an identity upgrade. You’re not here to point fingers. You’re here to lift the bar without crushing morale. Try these subtle but powerful  shifts: 

• From blame to curiosity: “What’s missing from our process?” (Instead of: “Who dropped the ball this time?”)

• From vague critique to clear requests: “What does success look like by Friday?” (Instead of: “This needs to get better, fast.”)

• From moral judgment to shared ownership: “What’s one thing we can all do to make this easier next time?”

These kinds of questions reduce emotional waste and create a culture where people lean in - not duck out.

You Don’t Need to Be Softer. You Need to Be Cleaner.

This isn’t about being “nice.” It’s about being effective. Directness isn’t the problem - tone, timing, and unchecked ego are.

So next time you feel yourself tightening the reins, ask: “Am I leading right now—or just trying to be right?” That single question might be the thing that shifts you from the drama triangle into actual influence.