Victim Mode Is a Signal, Not a Sentence
A CFO recently said to me recently, “I’m just so tired of being the only one who cares about this place.” She wasn’t looking for sympathy - at least not consciously. What she really wanted was relief. But as she vented, something shifted. She’d slipped into the most relatable role in the Drama Triangle: The Victim.
Why It’s So Easy To Slide Into
Let’s be clear: This woman is not lazy. She’s not weak. She’s smart, high-achieving, and deeply committed. And that’s exactly what makes the victim role so tricky for leaders - because it doesn’t always look like drama. It looks reasonable.
“I’m the only one who cares.”
“If I don’t do it, no one will.”
“They’re never going to change.”
Victim Mode Isn’t the Problem, Staying There Is
Drama isn’t inherently bad. It’s a signal. A little flare in the system saying: “You’re hitting your limit. It’s time to pause, reset, and shift your perspective.”
Victim mode shows up like this:
“Why is this happening to me?”
“I guess I have to do everything myself.”
“It doesn’t matter what I say, they won’t change.”
It feels honest. It sounds like truth. But under the surface is a quieter belief: “I have no power here.” And when that’s your belief, your only move is to wait - to vent, spiral, and hope someone else swoops in with a better plan.
The Shift: From Victim to Creator
So how do we get out of Victim mode without handing in our resignation or moving to a yurt in Montana?
Author David Emerald offers a reframe in The Empowerment Dynamic. He suggests we drop the “Why me?” soundtrack and step into the role of Creator - someone who doesn’t wait for the cavalry, but instead picks up the reins and asks:
“What can I actually influence here?”
“What’s one next step I can take?”
“What outcome do I want - other than being quietly bitter and stress-eating trail mix in my car?”
Let’s go back to that CFO. Once she got the venting out, (a necessary first step - let it out, don’t build a summer home there), I asked: “What outcome do you want for your team by next quarter?” She paused, then her face lit up. “I want them to own the numbers without me constantly checking.”
Now that is a creator talking. From there, we didn’t create a rescue mission - we built a leadership plan: clearer expectations, cleaner communication, systems that support autonomy. She didn’t need to fix her team. She needed to stop dragging them uphill in a wheelbarrow and start leading like they were capable adults. (Spoiler: they were.)
Sometimes the most powerful shift isn’t external - it’s the moment you stop telling yourself, “No one else can handle this,” and start asking, “What if they can - and I’ve just been in the way?”