Escaping the Triangle: How to lead like a Coach, not a Rescuer
Last week, I sat across from a senior VP last week who said, “It feels like I’m the only adult in the room.” It wasn’t said with arrogance. It was said with exhaustion.
When I gently asked her what made her feel that way, she described a familiar leadership pattern: team members constantly escalating problems, asking for help, and letting things slip through the cracks..
She wasn’t leading. She was managing drama - over-functioning, cleaning up messes, and quietly resenting it. What she couldn’t yet see (and what I’ve seen many times before) is that she had unknowingly stepped into the role of the Rescuer, a key role in the Drama Triangle.
The Rescuer Role: Well-meaning, High Capacity…and Totally Draining
The role isn’t a title, it’s a posture. And it’s one that high-achieving, high-empathy leaders often slip into without realizing.
Why? Because it feels like leadership. It feels helpful. You’re solving problems, protecting the team, holding everything together.
But here’s the hard truth: rescuing creates dependency. It erodes accountability. It silently teaches people: “You can hand me your mess, and I’ll take care of it.”
Over time, it becomes unsustainable - for you and for them.
The Role of the Leader: Stop Rescuing, Start Coaching
Drama isn’t always loud or theatrical. Often it’s subtle, strategic, ego-driven: the need to be right, to be liked, or to play the hero.
Coaching, by contrast, isn’t about comfort, it’s about capacity.
It shifts from doing it for them, to believing they can handle it.
“I believe in your ability to solve this.”
“I trust you to own your part.”
“I don’t need to rescue you—I’m here to reflect your power back to you.”
This shift is simple, but it’s not easy—especially if you’ve built your leadership identity around being helpful.
Try This: The Drama Audit
Escaping the triangle begins with awareness.
Over the next 5 days, pay attention to moments when you feel:
Drained after a meeting
Overwhelmed by a teammate’s emotions
Frustrated that someone isn’t “getting it”
Then ask yourself:
“Am I in the role of Victim, Rescuer, or Persecutor?”
When I walk leaders through this audit, they are often surprised (and a little horrified) at how much drama surrounds them - and how much they’ve unknowingly been reinforcing.
The good news? You can change it. But only if you start with noticing it.
Drop your thoughts in the comments. Or message me if you’d like a copy of my Drama Audit for Senior Leaders’ Reflection tool.