Understanding the Drama Triangle: Why Your Help might be Hurting Results
Let me set the scene: You're in a meeting. Someone makes a vague comment. You instantly think, “That was about me.” You sit up straighter. Mentally rehearse your defense, and respond with just enough edge to say, “I see you and I’m not impressed.”
Sound familiar? Congratulations. You've just climbed the Ladder of Inference and landed squarely in the center of the Drama Triangle.
What is the Drama Triangle?
Psychiatrist Stephen Karpman’s Drama Triangle describes a common pattern in human (and especially workplace) dynamics. It’s the Bermuda Triangle of reactivity, where clarity disappears and drama takes the wheel.
The roles look like this:
The Rescuer: “Let me fix this for you.” (Overhelping, enabling, self-sacrificing)
The Victim: “This is happening to me.” (Powerless, blameless, stuck)
The Persecutor: “This is your fault.” (Critical, controlling, often unaware they’ve entered the arena)
What makes the triangle especially slippery is we rarely stick to one role. We rotate, sometimes in the same conversation.
You start by rescuing a teammate, “Don’t worry, I’ll do it”, then shift into Persecutor when they keep leaning on you, “Why can’t they take initiative?”, and end the week feeling like a Victim yourself, “No one appreciates me and I’m drowning in work.”
Ditch the Drama (and the Extra Emotional Labor)
Leadership expert and drama researcher, Cy Wakeman, offers a bold reframe:
Drama is emotional waste.
Instead of rescuing people from their reality, Wakeman teaches leaders to coach them through it. That means shifting from:
Sympathy to self-reflection
Venting to accountability
Reactivity to curiosity
She asks the hard question: “What if there’s nothing to fix?”
What if your instinct to help is actually reinforcing helplessness? What if every time you validate a teammate’s “poor me” monologue without inquiry, you accidentally keep them stuck?
We’ve all been there. But we don’t have to stay there.
What Leadership Looks Like Instead
Real leadership isn’t about absorbing drama like a human sponge. It’s about raising the standard for how people show up, and it starts with ourselves.
So next time there’s tension in the team, try this:
Ask yourself: What role am I in right now?
Notice: What roles are others playing: Victim, Rescuer, or Persecutor?
Reflect: What would leadership look like instead of rescue, blame, or collapse?
You’ll not only increase your self-awareness, but you’ll also model a more grounded and productive way forward. Less drama, more direction.
And isn’t that what we’re all here for?