How Do You Reset?

Did you know you have the power to de-escalate your reaction - not with a deep breath or a yoga retreat - but by engaging in something far more radical? 

A conversation. 

Specifically, a resetting conversation.

As leaders, one of our most underrated responsibilities is to create the conditions for reflection - especially when things go sideways. The second step in the resilience process is focusing on strengths. But that’s not how we’re wired. Most of us have been trained to treat every challenge like a fire to put out. . What if - not that it’s true, but just try it on - every challenge was an invitation to build on what you already do well? 

That shift in perspective? It’s not fluff, it’s freedom. And it gives you back agency when you feel like everything is out of control.

Let me give you a personal example. Years ago, I was facilitating a leadership training at a Navy hospital in Sigonella, Italy. It was Friday. I was fried. And when someone in the room questioned my authority, I reacted like… well, let’s just say I got real comfortable in my arrogant bitch era.

I was disappointed in myself. But thankfully, my leader at the time stepped in and helped me reset - with just three questions:

1. What went well?
   We realized that  communication gaps weren’t generational, as we had assumed, but structural. The feedback loop between the Chiefs, Master Chief, and Commanding Officer had broken down. That clarity alone changed the whole narrative.

2. What did you learn?
   I learned that when someone makes me feel like I don’t belong, my ego grabs the mic. When a nurse asked, “How do you know you’re successful?” I launched into my resume: “The Admiral requested I come here.” What she actually wanted? Stories of success from other Navy Commands. I missed the cue completely.

3. What will you do differently?
   For starters, I won’t schedule training for late Friday afternoons. I’ll also pay closer attention to the intention behind a question before jumping in to defend my worth.
   
   (Side note: I also could have led with a story instead of a title. Lesson learned.) 

I’ve seen this same process work with clients - like the SVP of Sales who showed up to a team coaching session in tears after a disastrous end-of-quarter meeting where no one had closed a sale. She reacted hard. But by asking the same three questions, we helped her shift from shame spiral to strategic insight.

The power of this approach is that the coach or leader does very little talking. You’re not solving their problem. You’re simply giving them space to pause, reflect, and reset.

The next time you or someone on your team spirals - or the next time you do - try it. Ask those three questions. Watch what happens. 

You might also try these bonus prompts if you're digging deeper:

• What actually happened? Just the facts.

• What strength could I bring to this?

• What’s my purpose here?

• Who’s supported me during change—and who could I reach out to now?

• What choice did I make when I didn’t trust myself?

• If I had trusted myself, what would I have done instead?

Resetting doesn’t mean erasing the reaction. It means giving yourself the chance to make a better next move.

So—who do you need to engage in a resetting conversation this week?