The Real Reason You’re Still Awake

Have you ever experienced a time when your mind was so full of thoughts that you couldn’t sleep? I did. I felt overwhelmed and anxious as I tried to juggle my career and my family life. Each day, I was being pulled in different directions, and I didn’t know how to get it ALL done.

Honestly, at one point, I considered cloning myself, but realized I didn’t want to deal with two of me either.

Research calls this non-stop thinking, “cognitive noise” and it clouded my ability to think, slowed down my ability to make decisions and straight-up hijacked my ability to fall asleep. Even though it’s normal to have a thought every second, or about 70,000 thoughts a day, 80% of those thoughts focus on negative outcomes, which fueled my anxiety and mental static. It’s basically like having a pessimistic DJ spinning “worse case scenario remixes” in your head 24/7.

One of my favorite quotes that speaks to this idea of cognitive noise is from the Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu. In the ancient text, Tao Te Ching, he asks:

“Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving until the right action arises by itself?” 

This quote reminds me of what is possible when we pause, really pause, and write down the thoughts rattling around in our heads. It turns the volume down on the noise and helps us see what is actually going on.

I discovered the power of this when my coach invited me to text him any time I couldn’t sleep:

September 8

It's 3:50 A.M. I can't sleep. I guess I’ll write instead. Might as well figure out what is going on in my head. I don't know what you want me to say. 

I don't want to write. I’m tired of writing. I hate to write. I am not good at it. I can't spell. I always make mistakes. Nothing I write makes sense. I hate that I hate to write! Why do I need an editor for everything?

I hate that I can't sleep. I hate these feelings that are crawling all over me! I’m irritated. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m scared. Wait, why am I scared? What am I scared about? I don't care what I am scared about. I am over this. I am going to try to go back to sleep. F*ck! You!

It’s now 4:50 A.M. and I still can’t sleep. F*ck! Me! 

Honestly, if insomnia were an Olympic sport, this was my gold medal routine.

I can laugh at the ridiculousness of my cognitive noise now, but back then? Writing out my thoughts required courage. Courage to sit still long enough to let my thinking show up, and patience to inquire into the meaning I was attaching to every emotion. (Spoiler: most of the “meaning” was dramatic B-movie plotlines with zero box office potential).  

The funny thing was, I usually didn’t know what I thought or felt until after I read what I wrote. Texting didn’t get rid of my cognitive noise, it was a way to increase awareness of the unconscious thinking happening in my mind.

The next time your cognitive noise is keeping you awake, try writing it down. You might be surprised by what your mind is trying to tell you. 

Let me know what you discover, even if it’s at 4:50 A.M.